Surviving Germany

Honestly guys, your blog is pretty much my new favourite. -adds to Favourites bar- I'm an ERASMUS hopeful (very, very praying-to-the-gods hopeful) and you guys are pretting much making my life. Ever considered freelance journalism? I'd buy the magazines just for your articles. :')

Sun, 29 May 2011 03:30:20 +0200

THANK YOU! Fingers crossed for you!! Wishing we could do our erasmus 20 times over.. best year ever! :)

The Germans are health freaks. Early morning organic fruit and...

Wed, 11 May 2011 15:58:00 +0200

The Germans are health freaks. Early morning organic fruit and vegie markets send them racing to their high-tech mountain bikes, frothing with excitement at the thought of some ultra ~~overpriced~~ fresh produce. Ugh. I’m quite content with my mayonnaise drenched lettuce-like material in my McChicken, thankyouverymuch.

The Germans jog smuggly past me, as I slouch waiting for my bus…but rather than hiding my shame behind my family-sized tub of gummi-bears I smile back… Because, I am well aware of their dirty little secret….Yup that’s right Processed-Food-Appreciation-Society (PFAS), I can reveal to you now, that in between all of that exercise and hippy food, the Germans also somehow manage to fit in a pack of Cigarettes. You didn’t think we’d notice the cigarette vending machines on every block, Germany? Not to mention the smoking zones in high schools! The health-fanatic charade is over, Deutschland!

So next time the German next to you takes a “quick breather” in the middle of your Yoga class… you can feel muuuuch better about your planned post-workout schnitzel. Go on, get a side of fries too.

Hey mädels! Was ist mit euch passiert? Ihr seid seit jetzt zwei monaten verschwunden :( Ich hatte so viel spaß beim lesen ihres blogs! Bitte kommt zurück! :D

Sat, 23 Apr 2011 15:25:47 +0200

Sorry!! LEIDER wohnen wir nicht mehr in Deutschland :’( Wir wuerden gerne weiter schreiben… aber wir warten auf unserem naechsten Deutschland-Besuch…Schade! Wir vermissen Deutschland sehr… Maultaschen, billiges Bier, schreien “HEY DAS GEHT AB!” sehr laut in der Disco und Haribo-kaufen in unserem lieblings-Supermarkt (Kaufland natuerlich). Wir bedanken uns sehr fuer dein Nachricht :) T.K.B (Tschuessi, Kuessi, Bussi!)

I laughed out loud multiple times while going through the pages of this blog. I'm America but I've lived in Stuttgart for three and a half years so I understand your Schwäbisch mishaps and love of Maultaschen. This blog is perfection, please continue! :)

Sat, 23 Apr 2011 14:53:34 +0200

The PDA (Public Display of Affection) is rife here in Germany....

Fri, 18 Feb 2011 01:35:00 +0100

The PDA (Public Display of Affection) is rife here in Germany. It seems that it is perfectly acceptable to make-out in virtually any public area… on buses, in crowded elevators, in cafes, whilst using an ATM, at church, at uni or in the waiting room at the dentist.

Yeah. I know, I sound like a bitter old hag. But sometimes I can’t help but feel like I’m intruding on something private, when I’m wedged awkwardly between two couples sucking face on the bus to Uni :/

German boys can’t dance. There, I said it. Don’t...

Fri, 18 Feb 2011 01:11:00 +0100

German boys can’t dance.

There, I said it. Don’t hate me. In fact, if you’re a German boy and you’d like to dispute this claim, meet me at the local arcade and we’ll battle it out over a few rounds of dance-dance-revolution.

Now it’s not like I’ve got moves to rival Beyonce or anything. Quite the opposite in fact. But, when it comes to cutting shapes in the German discos… I become the popping, locking and dropping queen of the D-floor… well, at least in comparison to the rhythmless German boys who are swaying awkwardly to the beat.

Now. There are in my opinion two categories of dance-moves exhibited by German males:

1. The sober dance move

2. The intoxicated dance move

Although the first option may not involve enough movement to constitute dancing… it is at least very versatile and can be displayed in response to virtually any genre of music. It usually involves a very slight movement of hips, a gentle swaying of the arms if the music is really up beat, and of course… a look of absolute fear.

The second option, although definitely far more cringe-inducing for the observer, is easily preferable to the sober-move. A little bit of liquid courage will have any conservative German male breaking loose from his rigid shell… so much so however that many drunk German men believe wholeheartedly that they have momentarily been posessed by the ghost of Michael Jackson. I’m talking about spins, fast foot work, grinding and enthusiastic fist-pumping. None of which is done with grace or even a speck of skill…. oh, but they’ve got spirit, yes they do.

So if you’re like me, and you’ve always been the unco-ordinated kid at school… go out and challenge a German boy to a dance-off. You’ll leave feeling confident enough to audition for “So you think you can dance?”.

Germans like to stare at you. Especially if you’re on a...

Thu, 17 Feb 2011 23:32:00 +0100

Germans like to stare at you. Especially if you’re on a bus. Especially if you’re a foreigner on a bus. Especially if you’re a foreigner not speaking German on a bus (highly likely).

It’s like the X-Men, their piercing stares burning multiple holes in you, as you wonder how much Nutella you accidentally been smeared on/around your mouth earlier that morning. (Unavoidable with toast. Gets you every damn time.) And then X-Men morphs into Zoolander, when you realise that your face is as clean as a new roll of toilet paper- spotless and smooth…
And yet their eyes never waver from yours, they never look away, regardless of the staring contest you challenge them to in return for their visual molestation.
(Don’t bother, you’ll lose. Trust.)

What could possibly be the cause for such a strange German phenomenon?
Behold, a list of personal thoughts.

-Didn’t realise I was speaking Swahili? Basically, I’m interesting.
-Talent scout in the form of a five year old. Spotted my modeling potential. Ha.
-Was seated next to George Clooney. Never the intended target.
-Edward Cullen in disguise. They’re hungry and I smell.
-iPod so loud they can hear N’Sync blaring through the headphones.
-Bad day, look disgusting, they can smell me from all the way there. Equivalent to a human s-it.

Whatever the reason, we don’t know.
No. Idea. No idea whatsoever.

Therefore, the suggestion?
Strip. You might as well get stared at for something.
And coinage is a likely possibility. Cha-ching. Boom, score.

Dieser Tumblr hilft mir, nur die guten Sachen zu erinnern. Deutschland ist doch ein Teil von mir geworden, und ich will's nie verlieren.

Also danke. :)

Tue, 15 Feb 2011 11:28:00 +0100

Germany is cheap, but sometimes you find yourself paying for...

Mon, 14 Feb 2011 23:11:00 +0100

Germany is cheap, but sometimes you find yourself paying for things you had previously never considered to have been geld worthy. From remembering the cost and return of Pfand- where you start to consider fifteen cents as fifteen million Euros- to having to pay to use the public toilets; previously only seen in Eastern Europe with their dodgy squatters. (Not complaining about the public toilets in Germany. If you’re lucky enough you might get the legendary ones that move their seats as they clean themselves. Drool worthy.)

But another cost that is not that internationally foreign yet surprises you nonetheless, is the cost of using a washing machine.
The current flat rate for student accommodation is €2.50 per wash.
The amount can vary as to where you live in Deutschland and if you have one of those swanky eco-friendly washing machine that can lower the Cents.
(Another €2.50 if you want to use the dryer. Use a clothes line, or your curtain rail. Or just wear them wet, they’ll dry when you start walking around.)

It might not seem like a lot, but really, that sh-t builds up! If you wash once a week, it equates to €10 a month. This can basically buy you a whole month’s groceries and ten million beer crates in Germany. But truthfully, laziness and herpes amongst exchange students leads to a clothes wash at least once every three weeks. And that’s productive.

So the obvious solution to the problem? Buy a big luggage bag/suitcase and stash your mother or grandmother in it (or father, gender equality). Poke holes in the item for breathing space. Make them build your very own Waschraum, provide food every now and again. Water is optional.
Trust us, it’s so much easier and billig this way.

So in response to your produce blog entry: I can also vouch for the mandarin oranges being a good idea in winter. You can usually keep them for a week without an epic volcano of mush. Also I'm not sure how it works in Konstanz but here there are some fruit and veggie stands that tend to sell less sketchy things than at the supermarket. I mean, I'm all for cheap groceries BUT the chain shops fruit and veggie selection can be highly questionable.

Mon, 14 Feb 2011 15:54:00 +0100

Mandarins can officially be added to the list. On that note, what’s the difference between mandarins and clementines? Hello Wikipedia!
We might have a fruit and veggies stand/farmer’s market in the Winter? Not sure, too early. Wake up time is past 3pm :)
Or instead of going to the produce stands I have a better solution. Get a bike and go fahrrading in the countryside. All these farmers lay out these HUGE piles of turnips (?) or radishes or whateverthecrapitis. I’m sure they wouldn’t know if you took one, and if you feel like re-paying them, do so with a bit of flashing (body part of your choice). They work the whole day with a group of men, so regardless of gender, I’m sure they’ll love it!

Not only do you get your daily intake of the good sh-t but you’re supporting the local stuff as well!

I am a New Zealander studying abroad in Singapore who did an erasmus semester in Helsinki, and I have never been to Germany, but I FREAKING LOVE THIS TUMBLR.

Mon, 14 Feb 2011 14:53:02 +0100

Gee whizz.. we sure do love receiving fanmail! x

Thinking of taking on Gwyneth Paltrow’s latest ‘raw...

Mon, 14 Feb 2011 14:01:00 +0100

Thinking of taking on Gwyneth Paltrow’s latest ‘raw food’ detox diet? Or wanting to make your very own Banana Split to take the Winter blues away? Maybe even make a salad?

Please, for your sake. Don’t do it.

Especially if you’re from a country that doesn’t sell frozen produce that has drifted across the Atlantic for six hundred and twenty-seven months. Because finding a dying onion or apple in the pantry a day after you bought it, can truly be traumatising.

So to give you a greater picture, we went around and interviewed several ERASMUS students about their experiences of buying fruit & veggies in Deutschland:

“Went to Kaufland and bought a Banana. Those green ones shipped from Panama. Two days later, bam! It was black. Still ate it though.”

“Fried onions taste good with mushrooms, right? So I bought them. The onions that is. And they’re supposed to last forever, because they, uh, do so at home. Well, no. Around four days later, there was some kind long growth coming out of them. Sort of like green leaves. Then boom, I realised, my onions were turning into f-cking plants!”

“I bought a cucumber from Penny Markt. 25 Euro Cents, bargain. Ate a bit of it that night and put it in the fridge. Next morning, my cucumber was flaccid. Lying in a puddle of it’s own liquid…discharge.”
(Note: So far this has occurred to at least three ERASMUS students.)

“Are eggs always supposed to go in the fridge?”
Good question.

“I bought a Mango because it’s Summer back home and I’ve really missed eating them at around this time of the year. So I bought two that looked ripe. Tried to eat one that night. Fail. It was so green that it tasted like lettuce. Hard lettuce. Took the other one out of the fridge and left it to ripen up in the pantry for two days. Fail. Still frozen. Should I leave it out in the sun?

“Bought an avocado. Had to fry it for twenty minutes to make those chopped green rocks edible. Lots of oil but success at the end. Legend.”

“I really like those salami sticks from EDEKA.”
We do too.

Maybe we’re all just idiots. Maybe us ERASMUS kids are just perpetually drunk from the turpentine that we drink on a daily basis, and have no brain cells left as a result. Maybe we didn’t check that the cucumbers were hard before we bought them. Maybe Germany only imports that certain type of inedible mango. Maybe eggs aren’t always meant to go in the fridge. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

But after finding a consensus amongst the ERASMUS students, here are the definite answers on ‘fresh’ German produce, that we can provide you with:

Buy the apples. That’s basically the only fruit that’s available during the Winter season and there’s a high chance that the produce might even be local. However, a long life-span and great taste is not guaranteed.
Apparently the most reliable vegetables are garlic and celery. Don’t even know if garlic is a vegetable but have included it anyway.
Buy this fruit that’s called Physalis. Yeah they’re imported from South America and have a weird taste. But they sound like Syphilis and your fingers get all sticky when you try to take that cape crp off of it. Fun times.
Just eat meat during the Winter since there’s nothing else. You’ll make your very own perfume that way, allowing people to simply recognise your oncoming presence by your smell. Nom.

Or just scratch all that and wait for Summer. Easy.

Many Germans seem to believe that their lives are about...

Mon, 14 Feb 2011 00:51:46 +0100

Many Germans seem to believe that their lives are about as tabloid-worthy as the lives of A-grade celebrities .. as is evident in how many of them feel the need to create online aliases for websites such as Facebook.

If your german friend by the name of Martin Schmidt asks you if he can add you on facebook, don’t be surprised if you later receive a friendship request from somebody who looks remarkably similar to Martin… yet is named something weird like Leo Löwenherz.

Don’t worry. He’s most likely not devised this alias in an attempt to evade the law. And neither is he the german equivalent to Lindsay Lohan. In most cases, he’s just paranoid that his old primary school friends will search him out and see his photos from that kayak trip last summer or Christmas dinner at Grandma’s. Oooh Scandalous.

This blog is amazing, from the Eurovision reference to the Matthias obsession! Thanks for reminding me about SchniPo (Schnitzel Pommes) days in the Mensa! Is the Australian blogger from Adelaide or Sydney by any chance?

Sat, 12 Feb 2011 15:41:00 +0100

You had us at Eurovision. Our love for the Contest that displays the best singing talent of Europe, rivals our love for our very own parents. Seriously.
A former Konstanzer? We love hearing from the ex-pats and the thought of going home is killing us! Let us know if you have some suggestions or topics that you want to see on here.

Tschuss and Vielen Dank.
Oh, and the answer is Sydney :)

Here’s one for those of you who (like us) have come to...

Sat, 12 Feb 2011 13:23:28 +0100

Here’s one for those of you who (like us) have come to Germany from a Mi Casa es su Casa Culture… Little do you know it, but what you consider to be friendly and open… is rude and intrusive in the eyes of the Germans.

Here’s an example: My very sweet and timid German housemate knocked on my bedroom door earlier, to which I responded by hollering “Yeah, come in!” … I was clearly not about to get up from my sprawled position on the couch to open the door.

Timid housemate then edges the door open as slowly as possible.. as if any sudden movements could detonate a bomb. Peering through the gap, she offers me some cookies she’s baked. “Yeah I’d love one!” (note: still haven’t budged from my mould in the couch).

Now here comes the awkwardness… We now have to figure out a strategy for how to get the cookie from her position in the hallway to my position on the couch. In any other country, the cookie-holder would simply walk to the couch and initiate the cookie-transferral. In Germany though, cookie-holder appears to be blocked from entering my bedroom by some invisible-to-the-human-eye barricade. Hmm.. dilemma.

To cut a long story short… we ended up agreeing that the best way to overcome the invisible obstacle was to throw the cookie. Awkward.

Our advice: The Germans may not be prepared to break through this invisible barrier, but that’s not to say that you can’t! Go on.. waltz casually into your German housemates room at some stage and try sparking some small-talk. Just try to ignore the looks of fear, anxiety and confusion that your housemate will no doubt be exhibiting.

Each week at our university mensa (cafeteria) we are treated to...

Mon, 07 Feb 2011 00:40:48 +0100

Each week at our university mensa (cafeteria) we are treated to what is (in my very gluttonous opinion) the highest highlight of the german university experience: ‘Schnitzel Day’.

Nobody can deny the sheer awesomeness of this day. The queue for schnitzel often extends back a hundred metres!

When I first arrived in Germany I found the traditional lunchtime carb-overload a bit hard to handle… often getting my fill of potatoes and pasta.. and then needing to lie-down for a couple of hours due to feeling like I was heavily pregnant. But, of course I didn’t want to come across as culturally insensitive.. so I learnt to embrace this midday binge-fest.

I can now devour the mountain of fries and giant pork schnitzel like a professional. Oh, how proud my mother must be.

So, as nothing should ever come between you and your schnitzel… here’s my advice to all students: join the gym.

Aubergine! And i love your tumblr :D

Sun, 06 Feb 2011 17:17:44 +0100

Eierpläntze! And Danke ever so kindly! :)

We would officially like to introduce you to the language...

Sun, 06 Feb 2011 16:19:00 +0100

We would officially like to introduce you to the language of…Kaufisch.
A variant of the Denglisch dialect, Kaufisch was created by a group of ERASMUS students (all currently living in Konstanz) whilst shopping in the German grocery store, Kaufland. Although originally aiming to make the whole process of shopping all that much easier- Entschuldigung, aber haben Sie ein piece of bread?- Kaufisch has now extended to all facets of life.

So if you have arrived in Germany and do not know any German ignore the other saavy exchange students, who question you as to why you even bothered to come (best answer: I love a challenge). Do not feel shy or any form of fear about your lack preparation.
Instead, simply speak Kaufisch.
And be confident about it. If a German baker is bewildered by your ‘tongue,’ unsure as to how to proceed, just repeat your previous statement. Make it seem as if they are in the wrong, that it is their fault for not knowing the language.
Making the people who are actually in the right, feel awkward and unsure of their mental capabilities? Boom, done. Kaufisch provides all that.

Introduction to the variants of Kaufisch

First Variant: Speak English. If you know a German word just stick it in there. Doesn’t matter if the word makes no sense to the topic of the sentence.

Example 1: Kaufisch Beginners.

Hallo, how are you?
Note the ‘a’ in the hallo. Big difference and authentic. Boom.

Example 2: Kaufisch Intermediate.

Hallo, how are du?

Example 3: Kaufisch Advanced.

Hallo, bist du good?

Switched the sentence structure to a way that might even resemble real German. Replace ‘good’ with ‘ok’ and you’re practically speaking Deutsch.

This variant is also known as Denglisch.
‘Oh nein. Ich kann nicht believe that your hund has died. Seriously, es tut mir leid.

Second Variant: Speak English, but with your accent and spelling, ‘Germanify’ it.
Replace all ‘sh’ or ‘st’ with ‘sch’ and you’ll get there. Play around with the ‘v’ and ‘w.’ Randomly add a ‘t’ to words. Basically, this one is hard and doesn’t make any sense what so ever.
Either way your Kaufisch will be huge.

‘Jor haus ist on which schtreet in de willage?’
‘Das (does) dis willage have a wending maschine?’
‘Ist das the schopping centar in dis willage?’

Third Variant:

This variant extends from the previous. Here you also ‘Germanify’ English words but also include approproate grammar. This is what truly differentiates it from it’s brother dialect- Denglisch.

So if you are stuck in a German store or are talking to a local resident, note that you will never be speechless. Everything can be manipulated.

Example:

‘Oh nein, was hat gehappened?’

Note that the ‘gehappened’ can be changed to ‘gehapend.’ Gives it an awesome effect.

Have fun with it, play around.
Don’t know the German word for eggplant? Neither do I!
Kaufisch it, and it will known as ‘Eierpläntze’ for the rest of your life!

You can simply do no wrong.

Note however, if you are willing to adopt Kaufisch, please make us proud. Don’t be ignorant and refuse to learn German. Because in the end, it is us living/visiting their amazing country and therefore it is our responsibility to learn their language. Respect.
Kaufisch gets so much more interesting the more your German vocabulary expands.
And their facial reactions- the spasms in their mouths, noses, and brows- are just absolutely brilliant. Too good of an opportunity to pass by.

Note: This post can concern the whole of Europe. It is not just...

Sat, 05 Feb 2011 21:37:00 +0100

Note: This post can concern the whole of Europe. It is not just aimed at Germany.

A couple of months ago I got an e-mail from a German girl who wanted to meet up for coffee because she was planning to go on exchange to Australia and wanted to find out as much as she possibly could. I’m not going to post the real thing but it sort of went like this:

HI! :-)
Do you remember me? :P I hope you remember me! :-) ;-)
When are you free for coffee? ;-) I want to talk to you ;-)
Let me know what other dates you are free ;-)
And I was wondering if I could have your number ;-)
It’s easier than e-mail ;-) Have an amazing weekend and I really cant wait to see you :P:P ;-)

Viele Liebe Grüße ;-)
******

I balked when I first read this. I thought that there was no denying it, a girl was actually hitting on me. Was I becoming so hot that even people of my own gender were wanting a piece of me? (Ha, hahah, totally kidding here. I ain’t no Jolie)

Fail.
Turns out I definitely wasn’t wanted. Schade.
Apparently that’s the whole computer lingo in Germany, where this emoticon ;-) is practically used as a full-stop. Unfortunately it is not the (what I thought to have been) Universal indicator of someone flirting with you.

So, a short guide to emoticon usage whilst in Deutschland (for the non-Europeans):

Overload the two most important emoticons: :P ;-) Use them more than any type of punctuation. Less than 764,303,302 in one comment is not acceptable.
:P - The tongue face/tongue smiley/whatever the f-ck it’s called.
To be used in every second sentence. Doesn’t matter if you’re not saying anything ‘cheeky’ or want to pretend like what you said before was actually a joke, when you know that it really wasn’t.
Side note: is it possible to even make this face in real life? Admittedly we have seen it in live action, but that was only because one of us owns a Pug.
;-) - The winky face/winky smiley/shit face.
This one is to be used after every third word. Doesn’t matter what the topic: books, sex, dying animals, showers, chocolate or Barbra Streisand. Include the nose as well; apparently that’s also a German/European thing to do.
It doesn’t matter that this transforms any previously normal sentence into a porn-festy/orgy, because this emoticon serves as the perfect visual aid to ‘that’s what she said.’ Who faffing even needs the full-stop??

Exhibition

Normal statement:
Hey, what are you up to? I’m so bored and not tired at all.

Winky/Porn-fested Statement:
Hey ;-)
What are you up to?? ;-)
I’m so bored ;-) and not tired at all ;-)

Boom done. How German of you.

Or you can disregard whatever I just wrote and continue believing that everyone’s wanting a bit of yo’ ass; even though this it’s totally out of their character.
Totally multiplies the size of your head.

Bye ;) (Personally, don’t like the nose)
Hope you have a nice night ;)

EDIT:

Got told that we forgot to include ^^ as another German web obsession.
Had to use the Australian keyboard for that because I have no idea where the f-ck it’s located on the German one. Any help?

What does it even stand for? Pointing to the above? Happy closed eye smile? Instead of writing another two page analysis, we’ve just attached a link to Urban Dictionary and their explanation. That shit’s always right.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=^^
- Urban Dictionary.

Me and my friend are exchange students too in Germany right now and we are just sitting here laughing at your blog saying ITS TRUE ITS TRUE! Where are you guys studying?

Sat, 05 Feb 2011 20:14:22 +0100

Hey! Danke fürs folgen! :D

We’re glad other people can relate! We’re studying in the deeeep south of Germany in a small town called Konstanz (pronounced Konschtanz by the locals). Let us know if you guys have any funny Germany-related stories! It’s always good to hear from other Ausländer :)

Tschüss!!